A friend of mine sent me a picture the other day. It was a picture of her one sentence personal reflection journal and under April 2022 she wrote, "Desi starting her new blog." and as I looked at that picture I said to myself, "Damn, I let her down." I couldn't even think of a better response than the one I gave her. It warmed my heart and broke it a little at the same time only because it made me realize...
1. I didn't even realize this month If Anything, I Wrote It Down... turned ONE! What kind of creator am I? I have forgotten my own baby's birthday! The thought made me sad.
2. This blog was supposed to be an unfiltered dive into my world and yet I've stopped myself from posting content so many times because I was/have been censoring myself. Whether I felt like nobody really cared for the everyday things of my life or my stories or I've felt like I didn't have enough imagination to create great content, or I was/ am just afraid of being completely vulnerable to the world, afraid that those close to me will question my approach, or my words, or criticize them... I mean, anyone can easily say, "You are in the wrong profession if you can't handle criticism babe." I know that, it's just that writing to me is so vulnerable, as it should be but it's like being naked on a beach. It can feel so freeing and liberating to the point of wanting to yell out "THIS IS ME! TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT" and yet you still worry that people will point out your flaws and nit pick at the parts of you they don't like. I'm still in the state of working on how to be more present for myself and my mentality and also not worrying about what other people will think or say. I can SAY I don't care what anyone thinks but putting that into practice, it's a lot harder to do sometimes. Going into this blog I thought, maybe if I just jumped right in and opened up to the world it would be a lot easier to open up to people in person you know? a lot easier for me to put myself and my writing out there and watch it fly and yet I haven't really let myself see if it will or if it can fly for that matter.
3. I had let my friend down. She was one of the people who encouraged me to write and go forth into new waters with this blog. Even when we met in high school she was always one to encourage my writing as I was with her. We would be in poetry club bouncing ideas off of each other or sharing our work. Aww, the good 'ol days! I was brought to the realization that she used a line for her one sentence journal to note that I created a blog. It may seem little to the untrained eye but through a writers eye and perspective that says a lot! With me knowing that it's been a year since I started this blog and that I had immense amounts of hope to post content every week and gain so much creative momentum from it, to see that I have only posted a good what dozen posts? I feel like I let her and every one else down. Not only her and everyone else, I feel like I let myself down. That girl I was a year ago had so much fire in her belly and stories in her head and content she wanted to create... she's still there, I know she is... I've just kept her to myself for fear of my own censorship and/or selfish reasons.
To my friend, if you are reading this, she knows who she is, I remember when I was in the midst of launching this blog, I had told you that I was afraid of not connecting or not being able to find the right audience and you had told me, "Don't worry about that, as long as you stay true and authentic to you and your voice, the right audience will find you." Those words have always stuck with me, I really do believe that the right audience will find me, I just need to get out of my own head. I want to thank you for reminding me that even though we are MILES a part and even though we don't talk to each other everyday, you are still rooting for me. Our almost 20+ year friendship means so much to me.
To my audience that has been waiting patiently for new content, I'm a writer and nothing I write will ever be the final draft and "not ready for the world to see" in my eyes. However, I do know that it's not fair to you guys who look forward to reading what's on my mind or what stories I've created or to those who find peace of mind in getting lost in the blog for a little, I love creating content that takes you away from reality for a bit, so I apologize for holding myself back.
I have the time and the creativity to create great content and I will post it for you all! That's more of an affirmation to myself but writing it in this post holds me more accountable.
So... with that,
HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY If Anything, I Wrote It Down...
Let's make these years count and get to creating shall we??
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